TEETOTAL TED: No booze says Baillieu in pre-Christmas sitting day fatwa

shariaonspringst Victorian Premier and Christmas Grinch Ted Baillieu has made it clear there’ll be no boozy Yuletide celebrations at the Christmas Week parliamentary one-day sitting on December 21st.

Baillieu who does not drink alcohol at all, and declines the potential excitements of tea and coffee in favour of hot water in the style made infamous by former NSW Premier Bob Carr, has issued the no-grog fatwa to the Coalition and according to the nation’s most-popular daily newspaper, the Herald Sun, has commanded that there be no artificial stimulation at the reception planned to celebrate the new Parliament.

This will make a dull gathering interminable, Parliamentary insiders have warned.

Hard-working Tory MPs tell VEXNEWS they were crest-fallen by the news, looking forward to meeting up with new colleagues and getting stuck into some hard-earned champagne.

Many fear it will be the first of many sharia-style edicts from the new Premier who wants to whip his parliamentary team into shape. VEXNEWS understands that he plans to meddle with the times alcohol is served in Spring Street and even the menus of what’s served up in the Parliamentary Dining Room to ensure the food is sufficiently healthy. The word “vegetarian” has been whispered in the corridors of power, in a development likely to send a shudder through the agrarian beef-eaters in the Liberal Coalition-partner, the Nationals.

Some corpulent MPs also fear Baillieu plans on commanding Parliamentary aerobics in the expansive Parliamentary gardens so he can share the benefits of fighting fat and getting fit although we suspect that’s just some Christmas jest.

The Victorian government spin unit – thought to have been abolished by Baillieu promise – worked hard over the weekend to minimise the embarrassment from this weird Ted booze crackdown story describing it to the Hun as Baillieu’s “pitch to boost responsible drinking” and as part of a campaign treat the parliamentary “location with respect”. They also advised the paper that the booze-ban will save the taxpayers around $10,000 suggesting the MPs and their hangers-on know how to put it away.

We are told though that there are currently no plans to completely scrap the much-needed liquor-licence in the parliamentary precinct. Many MPs think this will come as a relief to the Victorian upper house leader and Health Minister David Davis who is known to enjoy a few relaxing wines in between late-night whines in the LegCo. However, several fear the the hours will be reduced, threatening the members’ bar and the pleasant outside balcony where MPs can smoke, have a few chardonnays and plot and scheme.

Be sure to check out the Herald Sun’s amusing yarn on this.

It’s all enough to remind us of the Yes Minister episode where the Minister visited a dry, despotic Arab regime where the cocktails were mocktails yet the enterprising embassy had a cunning plan to ensure their people could stay lubricated. Perhaps a similar scheme will be instituted by thirsty MPs.



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69 responses to “TEETOTAL TED: No booze says Baillieu in pre-Christmas sitting day fatwa

  1. Adrian Jackson

    I have watched a few parliamentary session in the evenings after work and you often see “drunks” looking in before going away to they MP’s office or back to the bar. Not a good look.

    I think the parliamentary dining room should be booze free during the day and during the sitting of parliament.

    Other work environments like the Army and Police do not allow booze during work as do most other work places.

  2. Steve Sensible

    You are kidding, aren’t you? You criticised David Davis on this site for liquoring up, now you criticise Ted from trying to prevent this sort of stuff? Unbelievable.

    The only thing the two stories have in common is they are both critical of people on the side of the Liberal Party you do not like.

  3. Wacko Jacko

    Most people encountering Wacko Jacko around Spring St reckon he’s drunk as a skunk, but he’s just being his usual wacko self

  4. Excellent leadership Ted. let them drink our fine water – before Tiny Tim’s desalination monster destroys Melbourne’s water quality once and for all.

  5. RDR

    Bloody hell Ted, I was going to try and prime up a few young female staffers and then ‘drive’ them home.

  6. Sotherby

    @Adrian Jackson: Many work places allow drinking during the day, you might be confused by the fact that some people are just fools plain and simple, why ruin it for the remainder who can have a drink without then vomiting on a staffer, molesting another and mooning the guards before slumping on the red leather.

  7. RJ

    Perhaps the US was secretly an Islamic country in the 1920s, given that according toyou only Muslis would have prohibition?

    This is the same Ted Baillieu who said, very shortly after becoming Premier, that he favoured schools having `Christmas’ celebrations, as opposed to `Holiday’ celebrations.

  8. RJ

    Excuse me – `to you’ and `Muslims’

  9. D2

    Call me an ambo, the withdrawal symptoms…..

  10. Premier Ted

    I haven’t told them about the compulsory organic muesli for breakfast yet.

  11. Disillusioned

    Gotta love the Yes Minister video!

  12. Adrian Jackson

    Southby (13 Dec 10) can you name 10 work places that allow booze consumption during working hours? Myer and DJ’s no, Yarra Trams no, Vic Roads no, etc. Come on name them.

  13. Sotherby

    My workplace for one, HR firm- many office environments only expect staff are not pissed. and you seem to miss the point, some of us don’t need to be paro to enjoy a drink. Ted could look at why people are getting pissed.

  14. D2

    For the love of god no…..no booze??? I have the shakes already. Damn Quakers and their no drinking.

  15. Inga Binga

    I sincerely hope Edward is not banning deep fried snacks as a high flying political girl needs her sustenance.

  16. wolf

    Did you obtain this information via a leak Andy?

    To the gulags with you!

  17. Don't Drink and Legislate

    Given the coalitions past record on drink driving I think it is a good thing.

    Ted should be congratulated for helping save Victorian lives. In fact I do not think any government should be providing free alcoholic drinks at functions certainly not without a substantial meal and then only in moderation

    Who can forget the disgrace of former Democrat leader, Andrew Bartlet, and his admission of having a drinking problem wheh he physically threatened and abused a female member of the government, towards the end of his political career.

  18. The Drunk Polly

    Ted is just protecting his one seat majority. The last thing the government can afford is a member of the coalition walking out between cars parked where there should have been a clear way and getting hit by a bus.

  19. On the Taxpayer's tab

    I turned up to an ALP wake for a candidate that lost his seat last month only to find that I had to buy my own soft drink.

    I agree why should tax payers be left to pick up the tab for Politicians drinking habits.

    In fact drinking is becoming a serious occupational heath and safety issue in the parliament.

    Just ask Andrew Olly and Andrew Bartlett. Maybe it’s something to do with Andrews.

  20. Benvolio

    @Sotherby (13.37) HR firm eh?
    No wonder we’ve been having trouble getting the right staff!

  21. I must protest about the comments made above and published in the media. “Alcohol has caused me problems in the past, not that I was a daily drinker, but that occasionally I drank too much”

    I was drunk at the time and therefor should not be held accountable for my actions. I would not have dunk so much if I had to pay for it, but since it was free I thought I could help myself to a bottle or two. I did offer an apology to the Liberal Senator who I had abused. I paid for my indecision by losing the leadership of the party and my actions played a significant role in the demise of the Australian Democrats. I should be forgiven as I have turned a new leaf and joined the Greens. I do not expect to be standing again of public office as I realise that I have disgraced myself one too many times. Again I sincerely apologize for my actions.

  22. Bartlet’s Christmas redemption

    For the bulk of the community, who are able to make the choice of controlling alcohol consumption, Bartlett’s experience has been salutary. There’s no call for wowserism this Christmas but hosts would do well to lay on mineral water at their parties rather than ply friends with more booze than they need. And restaurants could do away with waiters who keep topping up the glasses of inattentive diners.

    In the days when the broadcaster Derryn Hinch was cruising around town in stretch limos, he would appear at parties with a mineral water in one hand and a glass of white wine in the other. People would ridicule him for it, but he should have been applauded, as should anyone attempting to deal with a tendency for unhealthy drinking.

    As for Bartlett’s future, Bob Hawke and George Bush gave up booze for the job, so there’s no reason why he, too, shouldn’t be offered redemption. He needs to stage a public abasement, confess a problem with the demon drink, check himself into rehab and emerge an inspiration for out-of-control party animals across the nation.

  23. Michael John

    I used to love a drink in Parliament first off early morning, then mid morning, then late morning, then at luncheon, ten at early afternoon, then mid afternoon, then late afternoon, then at dinner and throughout the evening.

  24. The AA List

    We should start a list of Politicians (Past and Present) that have drinking problems

    Bob Hawke
    Andrew Bartlett
    Oleander Olly

  25. The AA List (Pt 2)


  26. Yes Minister and the Lord Mayor's Bar

    There was a yes Minister episode where Hacker decided to restrict Ministers access to cars, Low and behold Jim hacker was a bit drunk and lost his key in the glitter when it was raining. As a result he turned up at a function in a shabby condition rethinking his position on Ministerial cars.

    There were a few media reports of Melbourne City Councillor’s also having problems with the Lord Mayor’s free bar tab.

  27. The AA List (Pt 3)

    Robert Doyle

  28. The AA List (Pt 4)

    Carolyn Hirst (twice)

  29. Adrian Jackson

    Southby (13 Dec 10, 13:37hrs))I would have though a HR firm (dealing with people) would be the last work place were staff would be drinking booze during office hours. Tell us what is the name of this firm and list 9 other you know of as previously requested by me.

    Benvolio (13 Dec 10) I agree with you too

  30. Harry the B

    I have a drinking problem but I’m not in Parliament. Can someone preselect me?

  31. Sotherby

    @Adrian Jackson: spell my name properly and i may consider.

  32. Teddy Bear

    Baillieu is off to a good start already. If only he would reduce the size of the parliament to 75 and the number of upper-house electorates to five with seven members each. Make the parliament more accountable for its actions then he might just win a second term in office.

  33. rusted on

    We will all be drinking gin by the end of Ted’s term.
    No major investment, public service cuts, Peter Ryan’s backward social agenda and four years of Ted breaking into song and dance at the drop of a hat.
    And Steve Sensible, find a fucking bridge to jump off will you.

  34. Truth

    So the Dirt Unit via this web site is now attacking former Liberal MP Michael John?

    Pretty low to attack a dead man.
    Michael John 1943-2003. RIP.

  35. Truth

    Pretty low to attack a dead man.
    Michael John 1943-2003. RIP.

  36. Truth

    Says a lot about this site to allow an attack on a dead man.

  37. The AA List (pt 5)

    Andre Hairdryer.
    Stevie Herbert.
    Caroline Hiiiirsh.

  38. The AA List (pt 6)

    Henry ‘Pisspot’ Bolte
    Michael John

  39. andy bult

    One cant help but be impressed with Ted’s leadership. Great move but he should restrict the whole Parliament from drinking on the job cause Hullsy might get back on the red seeing that he no longer has any power and start abusing females again..

  40. to quote today’s SMH ‘The new government is in danger of taking a regressive step.’ So keep an eye on the future of Victoria’s Human Rights Charter and basic rights in general, like having a christmas drink. Seems appropriate to mention it here in case we do lose that right too! http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/politics/human-rights-must-not-be-party-political-20101212-18txf.html

  41. Baillieu mantra

    No alcohol, tea or coffee. What if Ted gives up sex as well do we have to follow?

    Do I have to give up my board shorts for budgie smugglers, if so I will need to buy a big pair so the footy socks still fit in!

  42. The AA List (pt 6)

    D Squared.

  43. I feel reluctant to defend a Liberal politician, however I do think that this article is most unfair.

    Mr Baillieu is only introducing some quite reasonable health measures, and you mock and deride him for it!

    And this use of terms such as “sharia” and “fatwa” is also deeply offensive. Why do you insist on dragging Muslims into this? They cop enough racism already!

    Appalling. Just appalling.

  44. Boofa Leigh

    Hey I know what to do instead of alcohol. I can teach everyone the dark art of politics! Ladies, form a queue. It will only take 30 seconds each…. the Wench to be at the end of the line – and no double dipping like you normally do.

  45. the sufi saint?

    Baillieu pledged $1 million dollars to Hindu and Sikh places of worship during the election.

    A cynical move to lock in 110,000 South Asian voters (with many in South east).

    The Labor party took the more principal stance of giving Hindus and Sikhs places of worship nothing and handing out jobs and seats to the Buddhist Sinhalese only.

    Labor would rather have loyalty of 20,000 rather than the 110,000 Hindus and Sikhs.

    But I did not know the religiously eclectic Baillieu was also a sufi saint too – who would bad alcohol.

  46. 1 million dollars?

    Exactly when was this million dollars pledged?

    I am not sure every Indian born voter is happy to send so much cash to Hindu temple committees that are private companies.

    Has the auditor general or the media looked at this vote buying in Temples?

  47. Micky D

    Waiting for anything sensible to come out of FAIL-YOU’s crumpet is like waiting for Godot. By the way FAIL-YOU my train was late again and I got snapped on the way to the station by one of your speed cameras. Waiting FAIL-YOU… waiting…waiting…waiting…

  48. hey Jude

    Assertions about ALP support for Sinhalese are correct and show wisdom of socialist left in the south eastern suburbs.

    Kin Carr and Martin Feguson unwisely courted the Tamils in the 1990s.

    The LTTE were cruel terrorists who wiped out Tamil and Sinhalese voices.

    Labor’s left mistakenly viewed them as some modern day Irish nationalists.

    Once this mistake was rectified Labor was able to hang on many state and federal seats in Tamil dominated areas of Melbourne.

    Not only were Sinhalese able to be recruited in large numbers for seats like Cranbourne etc the Sinhalese were able to back thsi up with Sri Lankan government support.

    In short the left did not have to put its hand in the pocket for these memberships.

    The current Labor party leadership should stay away from Ted’s Hindu fantasy and remember that Buddhists protect the opposition leaders own seat.
    The Labor party would be unwise to preselect any Hindu in Victoria if it wants Buddhist support in a swag of left seats.

  49. Multi faith

    The current Labor party leadership should stay away from Ted’s Hindu fantasy and remember that Buddhists protect the opposition leaders own seat.
    The Labor party would be unwise to preselect any Hindu in Victoria if it wants Buddhist support in a swag of left seats

  50. dry arguement

    Lets not forget the dry bible belt that lies at the heart of Liberal land.

  51. Steve

    What a monster Red Ted is, asking Members of Parliament not to ingest a mind-altering drug during work hours. Worst Premier ever!

  52. Ted goes for religious vote

    Teds. Grog ban is part of attempt to woo a number of religious leaders in east.

    Labor has Greek othordox and Sinhalese Buddhist in hand but has lost connection with catholic faith and Hindus and Sikhs have zero trust in labor in east. Labor has lost on many fronts in east and south east and will not return to power for decades.

  53. Anonymous

    Members of the “prayer group” primarily Ted’s hangers on will be disappointed with alcohol “restictions”_ but then again this group met with his seal of approval mainly to inibriate and “milk”- maybe they will be exempt?
    wise up everyone.

  54. anon

    Ah a little message to the Christian Lobby I am home about to crack a VB then watch a porno, root my unmarried woman, tomorrow have breakfast with my gay mate before I go to work at my boss’s abortionist’s clinic.

  55. Concerned Christian Families of Mitcham

    Ted, congrats on your strong stand against the evils of alcohol.

  56. McPerton


    Dear Ted, the dearest of all dear Teds. What are you thinking?

    I, the Great McPerton, your Commissioner to the Americas, was looking forward to returning to sweet Melbourne for the Christmas break, to be at your right hand side during the first sitting of parliament on December 21.

    But now you have gone all silly and turned into the Grinch.

    Please reconsider – your cruel decision is deleterious to the human rights of all Jeffistas (and the odd Krogerite – my old chum, Fatty Doyle) that enjoy a drink or three.

    I would hate to have to seek injunctive relief under the Charter from my dear friend Marilyn Warren, to ensure that the right of myself, Fatty Doyle and others to drink at the expense of the taxpayer is not violated.

  57. Dr Dean's tiger


  58. Tediban rules

    Ted’s prayer police are now ensuring that all liberal and national mps pray five times a day for a larger majority at the next election.

  59. Anonymous

    two weeks he has been premier and all he has on his website is his big fat head

  60. Adrian Jackson

    As an aside that hopeless former Speaker Bob Smith (ALP) got the boot at the recent election. He was responsible for controlling the drunks in Parliament but didn’t.

    He was a grovelling mate of federal Melbourne Ports MP Michael Danby and allowed crap about me to be tabled in parliament through the former Southern Metropolitan MP Thornley (forgotten his first name already).

    He in turn resigned before his first term was completed to go into business with a crappy electric cars company (I think) and was replaced by the invisible MP, Jennifer Huppert, who also lost her seat at the recent state election to a 3rd Liberal in Southern Metro Region.

    Geez the ALP can pick’em

  61. Anonymous

    bob smith wasnt speaker -you dickhead

  62. Steve Sensible

    Far be it from me to defend Adrian Jackson, but Smith was the President of the Legislative Council, which is just a different way of saying the speaker. Smith did all the same things that Lindell did in the Legislative Assembly (and met the same fate).

  63. Ansteyopoulos

    I thought Cafagna liked Socialist Left people. Why is she working for the Liberal Party government? How can her hubbie keep on reporting on State politics for THe Age?

  64. anon

    But Bob Smith was a dickhead. Nothing more than a dirty unionist who was punching way above his mental worth.

  65. Adrian Jackson

    Steve Sensible (17 Dec 10) I stand corrected on which chamber Bob Smith was a member.

  66. D.W

    King Bob Smith has an office and throne in Chelsea – from memory, it’s a small, padlocked outhouse.

  67. anon

    The new Premier does not smoke drink alcohol tea or coffee eats mainly vegetarian where the F*** DID THE KIDNEY STONES COME FROM?
    None of us are born with them they are a product of our lifestyle!
    Methinks there is more to Ted then meets the eye!

  68. Fake vegan investigation unit

    The new Premier looks far too happy to be a vegetarian.

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