PARADISE OF FOOLS: "Replace the ALP" movement led by industrial abseiler, DJ and gym instructor

justinryanalpThree Canberra young persons, an industrial abseiling entrepreneur, a DJ trading as “Anti-Christ” and a gym instructor have gone to considerable lengths to establish an organisation called “Replacing the ALP.”

The Australian Capital Territory has kept Labor in power since 2001, in conjunction with Greens most recently. Prior to that they were governed by the most lefty possible Liberal other than former MP Petro Georgiou and his poodle Paul Panther-Price, Kate Carnell. This is all a sign of the “End of Days” for Labor, according to spokesman Justin Ryan, whose mama once worked at the ALP National Secretariat (enough to make anyone want to destroy the party they once loved).

Ryan’s stated mission is reminiscent of aging superannuation millionaire Senator Bob Brown’s pronouncement that his militant left Greens party did not seek to “keep the bastards honest” so much as they wanted to “replace the bastards.” Many would see the extreme left policies of the Greens party, including its virulent boycotts of Israel, proposed death taxes and plans to shutter Australian zoos, deprive kids of certain cancer medicines and so on as exuding a particularly pernicious form of bastardry themselves.

REPLACING THE ALP
The ambitiously-titled organisation – apparently incorporated in the workers’ paradise known as the Australian Capital Territory – boasts three staff, they being Justin Ryan, Gemma Whieldon and Nick Delatovic.

Despite being concerned with the era of political spin, some 66% of their “staff” are dubbed “Communications Managers.” Alistairs Campbell and Jordan would be well-impressed, to say nothing of Georges Svigos, Droutsas and Wright (which does sound like an excellent name for a Sydney Road law firm).

gemmasnatch

Back to the three Replacers, the early-stage probing of the famed VEXNEWS Investigations Unit reveals that:

■ Gemma Whieldon, while carrying around the heavy burdens of abolishing the ALP and creating its as yet unnamed successor organisation, is a keen weight-lifter, gym instructor and rock climber. She enjoys ‘snatch’ according to one online resource.

■ The other communications czar Nick Delatovic moonlights as a DJ when he’s not busy with ALP replacement. He refers to himself as “the Antichrist,” an appellation unlikely to appeal to voters outside of the nation’s capital.

The evening’s apocalyptic host, Nick Delatovic AKA the Antichrist had this to say in the aftermath of the devastation.

“Rapturous thanks to all those who attended the End Of All Things. You can take pride knowing that your last moments were spent looking amazing and partying hard. Special thanks to our demonically inspired bands and our spooktacular production crew, as well as those wild kids who kept grabbing the mike. Congratulations also to our Prom King and Queen, Ira and Frankie. May your reign over the Time After Time be just and true.”

■ The controlling master-mind of ALP Replacement is serial entrepreneur and attention-seeker Justin Ryan. He modestly and helpfully provides a biography detailing his commercial and philanthropic works which have culminated in an exhilarating career in “industrial abseiling.”

He even stumped up for a front-page ad in the Canberra Times to commemorate the launch of his ALP Replacement plan.

Which occurred on – you guessed it – April 1st.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “PARADISE OF FOOLS: "Replace the ALP" movement led by industrial abseiler, DJ and gym instructor

  1. Why don’t they just join the Greens? Their list of Possible Principles could have been written by Bob Brown.

  2. Giuseppe De Simone

    As this was written on the shortest day of the year, the lack of vitamin D caused by insufficient exposure to the sun is the only explanation I have for Vexnews wasting 2 minutes of my life by publishing this garbage. The ALP will never be replaced as it is a broadly based, mainstream political party that was started outside of Canberra by sensible people. The strength of our democracy is that we have two such political parties that are relatively evenly matched in terms of support. When one party is weak, our democracy is weak. These twits want to destroy our democracy. Death to the twits! Death to all Anti-Christs!

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