PUPPET MASTERY: Ted Baillieu sloshes dosh to his puppetry of the heinous

With much talk in the media about the antics of Ted Baillieu’s staff, particularly his hard-charging man-of-mystery Chief of Staff Michael Kapel, it doesn’t seem like an opportune time for the Premier to be announcing that he will be allocating taxpayer monies  to puppets.

Yes, this very day, the government’s supposedly non-existent unit of spin-doctors, announced that Victorian taxpayers would be extending their largesse to – among others – the ‘Polyglot Puppet Theatre’ which will apparently “tour its work” ‘We Built This City’  to the Taipei Childrens Festival in Taiwan.

Other puppets have not gone unrewarded by Baillieu, who has previously appointed former state party director Tony Nutt to become the head of his Cabinet Office, with $8,000 going to the fund a visit to the US by new puppet work ‘Shadow Boxers’.

It’s about time we showed some love to Taiwan, we say, so no criticism of that part but others will be less impressed by the $10K of the taxpayers’ hard-earned given by Premier Baillieu to the band “Die Roten Punkte” whose tracks include the unforgettable ‘You make me so happy”

You’re like tight pants
You feel so close to me
I like to watch you dance
When you’re in your pants

You’re like a juicy orange
I want to squeeze you
I want to fill my cup
With your orange juice

You make me so happy

You want my foot
I’ll give you foot
You want my face
I’ll give you face

You make me so happy…

The Premier, occasionally criticised by the savage press despite the appointment of lefty ABC journalist Josephine Cafagna, no doubt related to the moving lyrics of their haunting tune “Newspaper cuts”:

I go to the airport, pick up a magazine
And my face is on the front cover
But there’s all these arrows pointing to my face
Saying nasty things about me
Like I drink to much alcohol
And taking to many drugs
And having too much fun
Well you know where you can stick your arrows

Your newspaper cuts
Will never hurt me

Even more appropriate perhaps given Baillieu’s inability to instantly ‘fix the problems’ with public transport and get the trains to run on time is ‘The 4:15 to Spandau will not run today’

And the people in Spandau wonder, “Where’s that train?”
As they stand on the platform in the pouring rain
The train doesn’t come along the track
And there ain’t gonna be no turning back

And The 4:15 To Spandau Will Not Run Today

But wait there’s more taxpayer funded joy courtesy of Premier Baillieu:

It’s her birthday and she’s twelve
She wants to know if her parents are awake

Noises from parent’s room
Floorboards creaking
Something knocks against the wall
Bedsprings are wheezing
Like an old man dying

She slowly opens the heavy door
And she sees her Papa’s hairy sweating back
His hands hold her Mama down
But the Mama, she is smiling
Smiling like an angel

Is Mama happy or she in pain?
Breath puffing out like a steam train
And the train it comes along the track
‘Cause there ain’t gonna be no turning back

It keeps going:

The train is coming ‘round the bend
The Driver is thinking of his wife
As he reaches down for his lunch
He unwraps the package
It’s a cold Weisswurst
His favorite sausage
His mouth is wet
He can’t wait to take a bite

I swear we’re not making this up. Check out the lyrics here:

The Driver licks his lips
He straightens up as he opens his mouth
But he sees the family on tracks
He drops his sausage to the dirty floor

Taxpayers will no doubt be grateful the comedic band is being paid to tour Canada, keeping them a safe distance from potentially disturbed local ears.



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11 responses to “PUPPET MASTERY: Ted Baillieu sloshes dosh to his puppetry of the heinous

  1. Lowrain Woefull MP for MORDIALLOC

    You leave my Teddy alone, I gave up a lot to be alongside my idol

  2. Giuseppe De Simone

    Mmmm. Baillieu should know that the good citizens of Victoria (at least those that listen to commercial radio and occasionally read the Herald Sun) believe Arts grants are given to a bunch of crass offensive talentless drug affected freeloading spongers and the money should instead be used for government funding for the footy.

  3. Gabbie

    Gaddammit! Ted is minister for the Yarts!

  4. Jugalong

    perhaps he could get rid of those bloody yellow slabs on the tulla & Calder Fwy’s.


    Teds been pulling myself for years. Cop that Bernie.

  6. Wenchy

    I’d love to be on my knees under the Lectern.

  7. Ollie

    So would I Wenchy, yum yum here I come Ted.

  8. It’s better then some of the other crap Art’s Funding has slurried into reality.

  9. Mick

    One term wonder right here. Memo to Ted – if I wanted a leftard as premier I would have voted Green.

  10. Anonymous

    Peter Clarke new chief of Vic Urban is Ted’s favorite puppet.

  11. Libs sinking at sea - Kapel to be drafted?

    Libs in Opposition was a media cat and mouse game. In Government, Libs are a mouse and cat game.

    Lurching from one disaster to the next . Ministers missing divisions or billy two thick bricks Tilly trying to play the big boys game but not knowing how. Guy is using question time to rehearse for leadership.O’Brien suddenly image conscious? Denis the Menace is lapping up the perks. More squeek in Lovell than a plastic toy . Wells out of his depth like several other Minsiters with no clue. Harder hitters missing in action or lost their Mojo – D2 buried in health ; RDR is scared shitless, clinging on to his job until they find out he is a pretend Minister, Peulich sidelined and now a pussy cat. Gordon Rich Phillips able but no people skills.Smithy a disaster as Speaker and Atkinson loves the sound of his own voice . Rivers showing spades of potential but still cannot save this one term government to me. Will Kapel, the caped crusader can save the day?

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