Lawrence Money, an ancient-scribe fossil so old that he requires carbon-dating to remember his birthdays, is returning to the scene of the crime. Yes, VEXNEWS hears on the grapevine that the comfortable superannuant is set to return to the gloomy halls of Media House at The Age to fill-in for the vacationing queen of Melbourne glamour and gossip, Suzanne Carbone.
I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT
Sources say Carbone doesnâ€™t mind Melbourneâ€™s chill but draws the line at our Siberian-winter lack of natural light which undermines plans for her continued and ever-popular display of highly fashionable sunglasses. So sheâ€™s headed offshore for annual leave so that the Sunglasses of Style can return to their rightful place.
HOWEâ€™S LITTLE MATE DIRTY LARRY
The move has come just in time for beseiged so-called â€œexecutive editorâ€ of The Ageâ€™s superior competitor newspaper, Alan Howe, who counts â€œDirty Larryâ€ as a little mate. As we shall see, they have slithered under the same rock on a few occasions. VEXNEWS Investigations Unit researchers have been appalled to discover repeated favourable references by the Money man to little Howe including rather curious assertions that he was sacked for being â€œtoo successful.â€ For fear of invoking the Wrath of Quill, we wonâ€™t yet do a detailed analysis on the reasons why Howe was boned as a newspaper editor years ago, but being â€œtoo successfulâ€ (as one might imagine) was not one of them.
A far more productive unit, Carbone is being replaced by a legion of rotating scribes, celebrities and others in an attempt to fill the gap her departure will leave in our daily lives. No-one else in Victoria would praise Les Twentyman as she sweetly does so perhaps the crude old occasionally ghost-written semi-literate former memoir-scribbler can be coaxed out of Walterâ€™s Wine Bar or rehab to spew out a column or two in her absence. Perhaps he can use the forum to explain how he spends the money raised into the â€œcharityâ€ 20th Man Fund which just recently scored a $100K donation from the Dalai Lama. Could be a bigger story than Enron.
SHOW ME THE MONEY
Money â€“ also coincidentally sharing a familiarity with the legal system with his comrade Alan Howe â€“ will appear Tuesday to Thursday for a whole month of grizzly senile grouchinessâ€“ where he will hopefully refrain from identifying kiddies in court proceedings, child endangering and more than tolerable levels of clichÃ© use. We wish the old grump well and will do our best to provoke him into one last slag-off before he shuffles off to Peter Jansenâ€™s heavenly quarters. (Money once lived in Peter Jansenâ€™s house, forming an unnatural attachment to bears of all kinds)
And we give kudos to the clever Carbone for obeying one of the TV industryâ€™s rules, once known as the Peter Luck rule, never allow a fill-in to serve who could possibly replace you. She shows more shrewdness than the entire board of the ailing parent company Fairfax, whose shares slumped below $1 yesterday for the first time and hasnâ€™t so far looking like returning to three digits in early trade so far today.
The way theyâ€™re going, and in our case thanks to angry little cockroach Alan Howe, The Age and the VEXNEWS will finally end up having something in common: both driven out of business by the Herald-Sun.
The old ways are breaking down, and no one knows what will rise in their place.