RUFF TIMES: Monsters battle for Our Kate's soul

POP sensation Justin Bieber will mediate between feuding UK vampire and werewolf factions in the hope of averting a supernatural war that could unhinge the Royal Wedding in London next week.

VEXNEWS’ London Investigations Unit can exclusively reveal a centuries old pact between British vampires and werewolves could be broken by the upcoming marriage of Prince William to alleged lycanthrope Kate Middleton.

Vampire sources claims Miss Middleton is a full-blooded werewolf and by marrying the heir to the throne will violate a 500-year old agreement.

“After the disastrous reigns of Charles I and Oliver Cromwell, it was agreed no vampire or werewolf would seek the throne of England,” a leading expert in monster relations revealed this week.

Werewolf sources say Kate Middleton, 29, is a non-practising lycanthrope and therefore should not be stopped from marrying into the Windsor dynasty.

But many vampires are unconvinced, with one bloodsucker suggesting that Miss Middleton may attempt to “transform into a mighty flesh-craving wolf beast on her wedding night and plunge the kingdom into centuries of bestial darkness”.

Those in the know say tensions between the supernatural communities are at their highest since 1937 when King Edward VIII was forced to abdicate over his relationship with American-born vampire Wallis Simpson.

The need for intervention increased this week when a dissident – yet influential – wolf pack leader claimed that Prince William had “experimented with recreational vampirism” during his college days at St Andrews.

Justin Bieber will mediate between leaders of The League of British Vampires and Ancient Lycanthropic Society at an undisclosed location this weekend to seek a compromise.

Vampire and werewolf sources welcomed the intervention, saying the Canadian teen sensation was a widely-respected figure in both communities.

Clarence House or the Home Office have yet to officially comment on the issue, however, a leading pundit lamented today: “We wouldn’t be having this problem if Wills married one of his cousins and kept it in his own bloodline.”

NOTE: While the Crimes Act does not ban being a vampire or werewolf, the feasting on human flesh and the non-consensual drinking of blood from the necks of the living is illegal under UK law.



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35 responses to “RUFF TIMES: Monsters battle for Our Kate's soul

  1. Anonymous

    Rick Garotti is a dirty rat

  2. Anonymous

    Garotti is finished. He’ll get nothing from any faction.

  3. MC

    I thought this was VEXNEWS not Weekly World News.

  4. Giuseppe De Simone

    I am not sure I needed to know all these gory details ….. at least we know that Prince Charles is neither a werewolf or a vampire. He is a vegetarian, isn’t he?

  5. Another VEXNEWS first! The editors at Fortean Times must be kicking themselves for missing this story.

  6. Anonymous

    Pick up your game vex!

  7. Ben

    Is the author a fan of the Twilight series and other vampire-themed fantasy books? Okay, fair enough. I’m not here to condemn.

    But what’s happening in SA with one Labor MP and his internet history? Perhaps a story on global warming scams, sucking the blood out of the Australian economy? For international news: What about the downfall of Labour in the UK?

  8. Cr Craig

    I like sucking too….but not blood.

  9. Anon

    Speaking of sucking, I wonder what Rick the Rat is up to for the long weekend?

  10. The Cad

    Am I the only one who thinks (not so) sweet Kate has the perfect lips for a domanatrix!

  11. Anonymous

    The rodent was spotted kissing fatso’s posterior who was in turn kissing the rear end of the future patron saint of yellow cake. A congo line of shame.

  12. yawn yawn yawn

    Who cares about recent SDA converts fatso and the rodent…let’s have the details on the card carrying SDA hero in Sou th A ustralia.

    Has another moral guardian fallen or was he framed?

  13. Devout

    Ben asks: what’s happening in SA with one Labor MP and his internet history?

    It is a long story no doubt but in short it is what happens when the SDA calls the shots.

  14. Anon

    re: Anonymous | April 26, 2011, 19:27

    WAKE UP FOOL. Stop doing the Greens dirty work.

  15. Phatso

    Oh ricky you’re so fine
    you blow my mind oh ricky

  16. Anon

    Grow up. We know who you are.

  17. Western punter

    Here’s a hot tip doing the rounds – the serial Melton Mayor will help get comrade and mentor Seitz up in Brimbank elections in 2012.

    Question is: which federal Member will fund the mailouts.
    No money on Carr’s office at this point (the Melton Mayor’s former employer} but the smart money is on one Federal member keen to repay the short cons.

  18. George fan club

    George Sietz is set to run for Brimbank council in 2012. Robin and Justin can’t wait to bring George back. Community builders one and all.

  19. community builder

    George I will donate $1000 dollars….umm it is tax deduction isn’t it?

  20. taxman

    Sorry Michael it is not a tax deduction at council level.
    You may need to review last years tax return.

  21. Marlean

    George I will never forget the debts I owe. Go George.

  22. Robin

    Stevie and I am here to help as you know – but let’s do the mailout at Feeney’s – the locals are feral here.

  23. Fatso 2

    There will be no mailouts from my office.

  24. save the trees

    That is good Fatos 2 because the last mailout you did went to the wrong ward.

  25. trifecta

    Gee Langdon is back in local government in Banyule and Seitz is sure bet to win in Brimbank with his knowledge of local support candidates….can it get any better for Labor….why doesn’t Leighton run in Darebin?

    That would be a democratic trifecta that Labor would be proud of.

  26. out of pocket

    Micheal if you are splashing the cash around please remember you still owe your half of the memberships….

  27. true believer

    Will Rick get a spot? or will he be campaign manager?

  28. true believer

    The Liberals would love Sietz to be back in Brimbank…an ongoing reminder to not vote labor.

  29. Rick the Rat

    Oh Nahzir will I ever get Ivanhoe, Jagajaga or the upper house I am just dying to get my woggy mits on a seat in a Parliament

  30. Anon

    Re last comment.
    Does this site have any moderation?

  31. Fatso

    Yes my son I am a man of my word.
    But first we must help George retake Brimbank – the whole party will thanks us for this noble deed.

  32. Anon

    Coming to a cinema near you…BRIMBANK 2….more dodgy community groups…more colorful characters…more questionable grants and fun all around from a cast of familiar factional hacks and has beens complete with council credit cards and with scores to settle.
    More spills and more thrills than Brimbank 1. Starring GEORGE THE COMMUNITY BUILDER with special guest appearances from current and past Labor MPs.

    Book early to avoid disappointment (that goes for you too Mr Ombudsman).

  33. Anon

    No one needs a Sietz-run Brimbank but now doubt the Members for Preston and Koroit will make sure it happens.

  34. Anon is not anon

    Apart from the racism, which triggers serious legal issues, all boys and girls posting here should be aware that they are not anonymous.

    Posting on the internet can be like placing a sign at the front of your house.

    It is relatively simple for an unhappy party to obtain your identity. There are even companies which specialize in such services. And there have been unfortunate individuals who have found this out the hard way.

    So if you are unwilling to put something into a signed letter don’t post it online.

  35. Anon is not anon is instead a fuckknob

    Thanks for that wisdom “anon is not anon” you fuckknob. You have no idea who we are and we will continue to reveal the dirty Rat acts of Rick Garotti until the truth reigns free

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