BEWARE: Prediction spells doom for Royals

DARK and unholy magic has correctly predicted a rift in the Middleton clan, possibly threatening the Royal Wedding and the loves and hopes of billions of people across the globe.

Last week, a seer named “Marina” revealed on the Dark Astrology website her fears for the upcoming royal wedding.

Astrology, strongly linked to Satanism, witchcraft and ritual child sacrifice, is often used to predict the future of well-known and in the case of Our Will and Kate, well-loved public figures.

The mysterious Marina wrote on the site: “The Sun trine Pluto is favorable indicating the power of this couple, obviously they have a magnetically attractive quality. The Moon is tightly square the Lunar Nodes so relationships between families may be a cause of tension, especially among the women.”

Until today, only toothless crones cackling over steaming cauldrons understood this cryptic and probably terrifying message.

Now, thanks to the well-respected tabloid Daily Star, we understand it refers to angst amongst Our Kate’s little know relatives.

“Our Kate is too good for Wills says her Auntie!” the Daily Star headline cried out this morning, alerting the kingdom to this important news.

The distressing article over two pages outlines a number of Our Kate’s distant relatives, who may or may not have ever met the bride-to-be, lambasting the upcoming union.

“I think she’s too good for them,” her grandfather’s older sister, Alice Goldsmith, is reported to have said by a television news crew, churning up the country side for royal news.

“I don’t think she knows what she’s letting herself in for.”

Further disenchantment came from a 63-year-old second cousin, who said the royal couple looked fabulous on TV, but “she’s got such a busy life ahead of her with all her tours and being told what to do.”

And Anna, a hairdresser from Durham, apparently Our Kate’s third cousin, used the media opportunity to piss on her hairstyle, saying: “It’s nice but she needs to do something with it before the wedding. It looks a bit dull and I think she needs to put on a bit of weight.”

This undercurrent of displeasure from her lost relatives, especially the female ones, will no doubt shock Our Kate if she ever discovers who these people are.

VEXNEWS has held its King James Bible tightly to its bosom for many hours as it delved deeply into the dark world of astrology and has found this the strongest indication yet that the marriage of Our Will and Kate is in for shaky waters.

Does Our Will’s granny, The Queen, have similar reservations about next week’s wedding?

If Marina’s devastatingly accurate prediction is anything to go by, we say YES!

And we all know what happened the last time Betty Windsor took a disliking to her daughter-in-law? (HINT: Two words, Paris and kitchen scraper.)

But fans of Our Will and Kate can take comfort knowing there are still nine days before the Westminster nuptials, meaning many more days for equally-devastatingly-accurate fortune-tellers to predict better outcomes for our much-loved royal couple.

READ more of Marina’s shockingly accurate soothsaying here.

(Please note: VEXNEWS does not endorse or condone the killing of babies to please any dark lords or eternal masters of darkness.)




Filed under Uncategorized

16 responses to “BEWARE: Prediction spells doom for Royals

  1. Elle

    They won’t survive.

  2. Farcical event

    She already lost me with that horrid Beckham poem, but dear Gawd. Carol Ann Duffy to write poem for the royal wedding. Puke.

  3. jimmy

    Disgusting and obscene fuss about nothing…

  4. robert wray

    the royal wedding is today, right?

  5. jolo

    Bored of republicans telling us how awful the royal wedding is. If you are that anti, please give up the bank hol & go to work as normal!

  6. Stretch Limo

    Saundo really is a cnut

  7. uppity

    Ok why do ppl assume that we care about the royal wedding?

  8. Colonel Cob

    In total, some 1,900 people have been invited to the royal wedding at Westminster Abbey. See how the guest list works.

  9. Gobbler

    I’ll stand by you, Mocca. I’ll kneel by you as well!

  10. Ben

    And the gypsies? What do they think again? Seriously: Fascinating piece – and an important insight into some sections of their community.

    But…I was hoping VexNews would send their dirt unit to uncover more on this anti-Royal Islamist protest. Our Will and Our Kate shouldn’t have to worry about wedding crashers.

  11. 3rd

    Fuck me!! that fortune teller looks like Vicky Yianoulatos

  12. Lowrain Woeful

    I wish I could crash Will and Kate’s wedding.

    After many years of dating experience I know that with my skills , I could have taken all the tension out of Prince William’s face.

  13. Boofa

    Hey Wench speaking of tension Percy is harder than a south african diamond and is overdue for a service from ya. Tomorrow noon on the old Munta Oak Desk, be there.

  14. Anon

    Boofa, Percy might be harder than a south african diamond, but it can’t be that precious if it’s luring stenchy Wenchy…

  15. Royal selection Cleary better

    When I was young I was a strong republican. We should have our own head of state. 1975 confirmed my opposition to the Crown. But as time passed by I realised that there are pitfalls in becoming a republic.

    Failed has-been, Phil Cleary (The polly that Will rejected) and others destroyed Australia’s opportunity to become a republic.

    The last thing we need is a directly elected head of state costing millions of dollars in electing another politician.

    I would prefer to keep the constitutional monarchy then have a directly elected head of state or Phil Cleary.


    1. for an constitutional/parliamentary appointed head of state.

    2. to retain the Monarchy. (Maybe we should offer the position to Mary from Denmark)

    The last option would be a directly elected head of state.

    Reject direct election of our head of state as we have rejected Phil Cleary.

  16. Joy Freeth

    Anthing is better than a direct election of a head of state that has real power to meddle in a parliamentary democracy a la the GG Kerr in 1975.

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