DARK and unholy magic has correctly predicted a rift in the Middleton clan, possibly threatening the Royal Wedding and the loves and hopes of billions of people across the globe.
Last week, a seer named â€œMarinaâ€ revealed on the Dark Astrology website her fears for the upcoming royal wedding.
Astrology, strongly linked to Satanism, witchcraft and ritual child sacrifice, is often used to predict the future of well-known and in the case of Our Will and Kate, well-loved public figures.
The mysterious Marina wrote on the site: â€œThe Sun trine Pluto is favorable indicating the power of this couple, obviously they have a magnetically attractive quality. The Moon is tightly square the Lunar Nodes so relationships between families may be a cause of tension, especially among the women.â€
Until today, only toothless crones cackling over steaming cauldrons understood this cryptic and probably terrifying message.
Now, thanks to the well-respected tabloid Daily Star, we understand it refers to angst amongst Our Kateâ€™s little know relatives.
â€œOur Kate is too good for Wills says her Auntie!â€ the Daily Star headline cried out this morning, alerting the kingdom to this important news.
The distressing article over two pages outlines a number of Our Kateâ€™s distant relatives, who may or may not have ever met the bride-to-be, lambasting the upcoming union.
â€œI think sheâ€™s too good for them,â€ her grandfatherâ€™s older sister, Alice Goldsmith, is reported to have said by a television news crew, churning up the country side for royal news.
â€œI donâ€™t think she knows what sheâ€™s letting herself in for.â€
Further disenchantment came from a 63-year-old second cousin, who said the royal couple looked fabulous on TV, but â€œsheâ€™s got such a busy life ahead of her with all her tours and being told what to do.â€
And Anna, a hairdresser from Durham, apparently Our Kateâ€™s third cousin, used the media opportunity to piss on her hairstyle, saying: â€œItâ€™s nice but she needs to do something with it before the wedding. It looks a bit dull and I think she needs to put on a bit of weight.â€
This undercurrent of displeasure from her lost relatives, especially the female ones, will no doubt shock Our Kate if she ever discovers who these people are.
VEXNEWS has held its King James Bible tightly to its bosom for many hours as it delved deeply into the dark world of astrology and has found this the strongest indication yet that the marriage of Our Will and Kate is in for shaky waters.
Does Our Willâ€™s granny, The Queen, have similar reservations about next weekâ€™s wedding?
If Marinaâ€™s devastatingly accurate prediction is anything to go by, we say YES!
And we all know what happened the last time Betty Windsor took a disliking to her daughter-in-law? (HINT: Two words, Paris and kitchen scraper.)
But fans of Our Will and Kate can take comfort knowing there are still nine days before the Westminster nuptials, meaning many more days for equally-devastatingly-accurate fortune-tellers to predict better outcomes for our much-loved royal couple.
READ more of Marinaâ€™s shockingly accurate soothsaying here.
(Please note: VEXNEWS does not endorse or condone the killing of babies to please any dark lords or eternal masters of darkness.)
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