MASTER-STROKE: Noah Carroll slays foes in the name of Labor Unity

Labor Unity rising star and faction secretary Noah Carroll has in one swift, brutal move resolved any remaining conflict over the oddly much-prized brand name of their moderate faction. He incorporated Labor Unity as a legal entity.

The Australian’s Rick Wallace, well connected with the NUW led sub-group, was supplied copies of the incorporation documents by them in what observers see as an anguished cry from the wilderness.

The documents are not of course secret and can be easily obtained online.

A CUNNING PLAN TWO WEEKS TOO LATE
VEXNEWS understands that NUW group activists discovered the incorporation only when they were themselves were attempting to register an organisation with that name a few days ago and were yesterday attempting to register domain names for factional missives. Hopefully we can be spared the dubious delights of sub-factional websites. Is VEXNEWS not enough fun for all patriots? Please remember, we love all, serve all.

Some were concerned this morning that the attack via the NUW’s favoured organ was a sign they were no longer interested in pursuing the peace talks championed by their appointed negotiator, patriot Senator David Feeney.

THE BOO HOO FACTION
“Labor Unity was incorporated a couple of weeks ago on January 21, it’s hardly news. They’re just being delicate about being outmaneuvered. Again. Perhaps you should call them the Boo Hoo faction,” one aggressive sub-factional warrior opined this morning to VEXNEWS.

“They are perpetually two weeks behind everyone,” one operative explained.

“They fail to understand that purporting to sack Shorten blew up in their face. Many people drew the line at that. Can they be surprised that Labor Unity will take measures to protect itself from those who can’t flick the switch to conciliation. The only part of charm offensive they’re good at it is being offensive.”

“They’ve shot their foot clean off going after Newnham. Now they take aim with the other going after Carroll. When will these people learn?”

“A Macedonian style naming dispute is the last thing they should be embarking on. They need to stop being stuck on stupid. They say they want a deal but keep briefing the press.”

BUSH LAWYERS R US
Wallace’s story curiously cited “legal sources” as asserting that the act of incorporation would make it difficult to exclude prospective members from joining.

Those legal sources are incorrect, as many who tried and failed to obtain membership of the esteemed Royal Melbourne Yacht Squadron – an incorporated body – could testify.

One such rejected applicant – notorious businessman Solomon Lew with his fondness for pleasure cruisers staffed by hot Israeli “masseuses” who ensure all runs on the Bay have a happy ending – spent years huffing and puffing demanding membership for him and his boat.

Sadly the Squadron’s membership application process meant they could exclude whoever they wanted to exclude. It wasn’t on religious grounds, as much to Sol’s distress people of all faiths were welcome just not him. It was his worship of the corrupt money god that led the Committee to look unkindly upon his persistent applications. They only accept people of “good character” which represented a bit of a problem for the notorious Lew the Looter.

So  it is laughable to suggest incorporation creates “reverse Trojan horses”, although from what we hear the incorporation was meant purely defensively not as an instrument for anything other than “saving people from themselves”, a reference to the blood-thirsty approach taken by some of those associated with the NUW led by Tim Holding called “the Network”.

Will Labor Unity be exacting in its approach to membership as the RMYS? We very much doubt it.

We understand the incorporation move was calculated to prevent the NUW group – which its own activists say have a very small percentage of actual Labor Unity “Broad Group” members – from claiming they embody and exclusively own a group they had only recently been re-affiliated with.

WE RHYME WITH GRUNT?
Some players in this sub-factional war so that it isn’t fair for VEXNEWS to discuss these matters in our normally fair and balanced way, criticising and praising both sides when it is deserved. But if it’s not legitimate for us to make this commentary, leading one normally nice parliamentarian to describe us with a politically incorrect word that rhymes with ‘grunt’, is it legitimate for his own allies to brief a national newspaper solely for the purpose of whining?

Those and many other questions face those who looked like conquering the world before Christmas, jammed a victory flag of celebration at the top of the mountain they’d climbed and are now free-falling in an avalanche of despair and defeat.

VEXNEWS finds no pleasure in this. Those defeated include many fine patriots who are loyal friends, good sources and profess sound views that are an important part of keeping their party moderate, relevant and true to its supporters. But they’ll bristle at being called defeated. They’ll protest about being referred to as the NUW sub-group, Feeneyites, Somyurekians, SDA people or whatever. They are Labor Unity, they insist. Their opponents are splittists. From rampaging warriors with blood-dripping axes in 2008, they have been reinvented as the Sensitive New Age Guys of 2009. There’s an insult, slight or grievance around every corner, for some. They need to be build a bridge and get over it.

For those desperate for another way, we kindly offer our mediation services, although the SDA’s new friends at the CFMEU might be able to arrange Mick Gatto to step in if our more genteel approach is unsuccessful.

LET THERE BE PEACE ON EARTH AND LET IT BEGIN WITH ME
Jokes aside, on a positive note, it is very clear to us that even the once very aggressive combatants on both sides would prefer a peace deal above all else. What is straining both sides is not the what but the how. Should it include the NUW for example? Is Feeney willing to take a leadership role again of the kind he once endured? Will people die in a ditch to protect MP’s who are never going to be ministers or were once ministers and will not be drafted again? How will consensus work? 

But while Feeney talks peace, the NUW’s Thow and SDA’s Donovan hold once-secret talks with the crooks from the CFMEU.

While Shorten talks peace, there are some in his ranks who are getting their jollies contemplating which MP they might skewer and put on the coals at their nearest kebab shop.

If both sides really want reconciliation they’ll need to put last year out of their mind and take people at face value, however they construct a deal.

If they really want peace, they’ll have to fight for it. And sacrifice for it.

NB: In a previous article, we incorrectly designated Ben Hardman as an NUW person. That is not a correct characterisation of the MP, who even sub-factional foes regard as a very nice bloke. We have corrected the original article and apologise for any confusion.