FAKER: Taliban Ted's phoney Febfast booze ban

talibanted Current state Liberal leader Ted Baillieu has curiously joined a “Febfast”, an unAustralian ban on alcohol during the month of February, despite already being an abstemious tee-totaller. Some critics think the politician is trying to exploit a do-gooding cause by pretending to “go without for a month” despite not drinking at all. Tsk. Tsk.

Febfast’s website explains it “is a community education and awareness campaign that invites people to do something good for their own bodies, and someone else’s by sacrificing their alcohol intake for up to one month, during February.”

How unpleasant. Have they not noticed there’s a beer consumption mandating once-in-a-generation heatwave going on? It’s just unAustralian, some might think.

It doesn’t end there for the Febfastians. Their site makes unwarranted or at least unwelcome attacks on the favourite Aussie pastime:

The social cost of alcohol in Australia, including costs from factors such as ill health, premature death, reduced productivity, crime and accidents is $15.3 billion. (Collins and Lapsley 2008) Alcohol  is  involved  in  62% of  all  police  attendances,  73% of assaults, 77% of street offences, 40% of domestic violence  incidents,  and  90% of  late  night  calls.

And that’s just in Wilson Tuckey’s neighbourhood.

According to sources deep within the bunker/cave of  157 Spring Street, “Taliban Ted” – a man in search of a message – has conscripted fellow Liberals into the hideous and probably mullah-approved event designed to increase awareness of alcoholism and perhaps provide a non-Catholic version of Lent self-denial.

VEXNEWS has learned that other participants in the booze ban will be Peter Ryan, health nut Mary Wooldridge, Hugh Delahunty, Nick Wakeling, Edward O’Donohue, Peter Walsh, Russell Northe, Bill Sykes, Christine Fyffe, David Hodgett, patriot Matthew Guy, ayatollah in exile Philip Davis, boofhead Neale Burgess, Ryan Smith and the ambitious Martin Dixon.

Any patriot who can produce photographic or other evidence that any of these supposed booze busters sneaks in a sip or two of grog this month can expect to be showered in gifts from the God fearing House of Gloria Jean’s. 

Ambition faction members and supporters of Taliban Ted’s electorally suicidal sect of Age embracement Richard Dalla Riva and David Davis and the increasingly creepy Bruce Atkinson were believed to be happy to “do something good for their own bodies” (and anyone else’s) providing that was restricted to sampling the delights of the King Street entertainment precinct.

Upper house MP and fighter for freedom Bernie Finn will be sitting out the Febfast, according to well-placed sources, rightly savouring the sweet taste of a thirst quenching ale during this absurdly hot weather that must surely be blamed on the Greens poltical party and their deceitful doom-boosting.

The most absurd part of Taliban Ted’s latest political fraud is that Tory insiders explain that the herbal parliamentarian not only doesn’t drink alcohol at all but is one of those hippy wankers who declines coffee, tea and any other stimulant in a style originally made famous by Adolf Hitler and Bob Carr. We emphasise that is the only point of comparison with the dictator except perhaps a lack of testicular fortitude. And certainly Ted’s not even running to the level of pale imitation of the former NSW Premier, one of the most formidable political leaders of his generation despite hair transplant and a fondness for the herbal life.

We were once tipped off that Ted had got a bit woozy at a Chinese consultant function. Turned out he was drugged up on something to cure what ailed him. We can reasonably expect that a dose of Terry Mulder will probably ail Baillieu throughout this year ahead of a leadership challenge in January next year. Bring it on.

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33 Comments

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33 responses to “FAKER: Taliban Ted's phoney Febfast booze ban

  1. Steve Sensible

    I can understand your contempt for Red Ted, but this messiah complex with Terry Mulder (brought to you by Roger David) is silly. Mulder has no more chance of winning next year than Ted does.

  2. Chairman Liu

    Suggestions that the Leader was a bit woozy at a Chinese function are erroneous – they are nothing more than propoaganda spread by Capitalist Dog Mulder.

  3. mick

    Mulder would be a better shot than Failyou. Failyou might just be a boon for fringe-right crazies like Family First, given conservatives otherwise get to choose between Labor Right or the socialist-infiltrator.

  4. Astounded of Melbourne

    omg how will shardonnay cope with a booze ban?

  5. inga ping

    GIVE ME SEXY TEXT ANYDAY RICHARD. LUV THOSE FINGERS WORKING ON ME!

  6. inga ping

    not well she likes a tipple tittle!

  7. Anonymous

    Saying you are going to give up booze and a booze ban are very different things.

  8. Insider

    Ted’s long standing abstinence from alcohol, caffeine etc… is a result of doctors orders. Interaction with powerful medications would be negative for him. Anyone noticed Ted’s constantly shaking hands – tremors such as this are clear symptoms of a few serious conditions.

    As for Phat Phil Davis (Exiled Ayotollah) – his Lap Band surgery will assist in the alcohol ban. Causes acidic reflux and makes them spew. Good idea for him to stop.

  9. AKD

    Darlings, I am so fab that I too may join FebFast.

  10. Railyard Worker

    The GTM Express will be boarding soon. Plenty of liquor and other refreshments, including tea, coffee and tobacco to make your journey all the more enjoyable. Choo choo!

  11. Choo Choo

    Yes plenty of refreshments on board. All the more to make your journey from Polwarth nice, comfortable and relaxing. Stopping all stations except Hawthorn and Scoresby.

  12. McPerton

    My dear Keeno, the dearest of dear Keenos,

    How marvellous it is to hear from you again. No doubt you heard about how I, the brilliant McPerton, Lord of Doncaster, QC (Honorary), Master of Chinese Law and deliverer of e-democracy, have been appointed a High Commissioner for Refugees and Human Rights (San Francisco). When you did hear about it, you must have been as excited as you were when you saw Giddy-up stroll into Centenary Hall with that suave looking canary yellow knitted sweater. I hear he purchased it from Roger David, where the mighty and good purchase their apparel. I don’t know if you are heading to San Francisco soon, but if you do, please give me a yell and if I am inclined to do so, I will allow you to buy me some Chinese for dinner.

  13. Dj Dj Spedding

    Dj Dj Spedding is in the house. We hate capitalist dogs. Long live the Reds.

  14. Anonymous

    Keeno. Rorts. Lies.

  15. Natasha The Despoiler

    The ‘Liberal’ Party will split – 25% will come with us.

    Burn.

  16. Guess Who?

    Education: St Bernard’s Primary School, Coburg; Christian Brothers, Pascoe Vale; Assumption College; Whitefriars College, Donvale. BEc 1981, LLB 1982 (Monash). Diploma of Chinese Law 1987 (Peking University). LLM 1995 (Melbourne). Barrister and Solicitor, Victoria and High Court 1983; Barrister-at-Law: Vic 1984, NSW 1985, Tas 1988, ACT 1992. Cert IV (Wine Appreciation), Cert II (Job Search & Career Transition), Cert IV (Tiddlywinks), Diploma (Self Appreciation).

    Career: Labourer; Salesman; Manager, 1976-82. Articled Clerk 1983. Barrister-at-Law since 1984. Building and Garden Supply Business 1985-88. Memberships: Amnesty International; Aust. Law Council; Aust. Institute of International Affairs; International Commission of Jurists; Monash Law Alumni; Victorian Bar; Vict. National Parks Assoc.; World League for Freedom and Democracy; Electronic Business Framework Group; Federal Govt. e-commerce Expert Group. Former Chairman, Data Protection Advisory Council. Interests: walking, travel, reading and computer science.

  17. Anonymous

    choo choo is correct about Hawthorn train station. Most trains do not stop there except in off peak hours. Only locals (that is, stop at every station) coming from Alamein and normally Ringwood stop at Hawthorn.

    Suspect choo choo’s fan GTM will not change much if he is the leader after Red Ted.

  18. Anonymous

    Guess Who?

    The MP concerned is Victor Perton, or should I say ex MP as he retired from state parliament last election.

  19. JF

    How did Victor ever get Preselection?

    He only studied at those rubbish Universities, Monash and Melbourne. He never studied at Oxford or Harvard!

  20. JF

    How did Helen of Kroger ever get preslection?

    She doesn’t even have a University degree.

  21. inga ping

    cause Helen works sssssssssssoooooo hard. She’s a brain surgeon! Daniel andrews loves helen sheeee’ssss special.

  22. Mr Ouzo

    I’m most upset. The Prayer Club will not be able to meet in Feb because of Ted’s Febfast.

  23. Railyard Worker

    The GTM Express is happy stop at Bulleen to take passengers.

  24. Rail Travel Sardine

    Terry Mulder is already to old to offer any leadership or organisational ability, even at a Teddy Bears Picnic.

    To suggest otherwise is mischief.

  25. Anonymous

    imagine fatty doyle on the no grog diet!

  26. anon

    Choo choo has a few issues to sort out on the home front, the one who must be obeyed is not happy and is on the move, remember she holds the purse strings!!!! Interesting times indeed.

  27. Anonymous

    Where’s my $950 ????? I wanna buy a slimline LCD monitor so I can read vexnews on the big screen!

  28. McPerton

    That would be a breach of dear Fatty’s human rights.

  29. Anonymous

    Where’s my $950 Turnbull?????

  30. Inga

    I will go on the FebFast diet to further improve my already ravishing figure.

  31. Inga

    AKD, we will have to drink diet lemonade at our weekly delicious outing to Flower Drum. I must now adjourn to my Parliament office for a roast chicken treat.

  32. Inga Binga

    AKD, Sav is still most unsatisfactory in the bedroom.

  33. Inga Binga

    I am going to do my ‘own’ Jessica Bratich on the floor of parliament.
    The boys will go wild.

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