Current state Liberal leader Ted Baillieu has curiously joined a “Febfast”, an unAustralian ban on alcohol during the month of February, despite already being an abstemious tee-totaller. Some critics think the politician is trying to exploit a do-gooding cause by pretending to “go without for a month” despite not drinking at all. Tsk. Tsk.
Febfast’s website explains it “is a community education and awareness campaign that invites people to do something good for their own bodies, and someone else’s by sacrificing their alcohol intake for up to one month, during February.”
How unpleasant. Have they not noticed there’s a beer consumption mandating once-in-a-generation heatwave going on? It’s just unAustralian, some might think.
It doesn’t end there for the Febfastians. Their site makes unwarranted or at least unwelcome attacks on the favourite Aussie pastime:
The social cost of alcohol in Australia, including costs from factors such as ill health, premature death, reduced productivity, crime and accidents is $15.3 billion. (Collins and Lapsley 2008)Â AlcoholÂ isÂ involvedÂ inÂ 62% ofÂ allÂ policeÂ attendances,Â 73% of assaults, 77% of street offences, 40% of domestic violenceÂ incidents,Â andÂ 90% ofÂ lateÂ nightÂ calls.
And that’s just in Wilson Tuckey’s neighbourhood.
According to sources deep within the bunker/cave of Â 157 Spring Street, “Taliban Ted” – a man in search of a message – has conscripted fellow Liberals into the hideous and probably mullah-approved event designed to increase awareness of alcoholism and perhaps provide a non-Catholic version of Lent self-denial.
VEXNEWS has learned that other participants in the booze ban will be Peter Ryan, health nut Mary Wooldridge, Hugh Delahunty, Nick Wakeling, Edward O’Donohue, Peter Walsh, Russell Northe, Bill Sykes, Christine Fyffe, David Hodgett, patriot Matthew Guy, ayatollah in exile Philip Davis, boofhead Neale Burgess, Ryan Smith and the ambitious Martin Dixon.
Any patriot who can produce photographic or other evidence that any of these supposed booze busters sneaks in a sip or two of grog this month can expect to be showered in gifts from the God fearing House of Gloria Jean’s.Â
Ambition faction members and supporters of Taliban Ted’s electorally suicidal sect of Age embracement Richard Dalla Riva and David Davis and the increasingly creepy Bruce Atkinson were believed to be happy to “do something good for their own bodies” (and anyone else’s) providing that was restricted to sampling the delights of the King Street entertainment precinct.
Upper house MP and fighter for freedom Bernie Finn will be sitting out the Febfast, according to well-placed sources, rightly savouring the sweet taste of a thirst quenching ale during this absurdly hot weather that must surely be blamed on the Greens poltical party and their deceitful doom-boosting.
The most absurd part of Taliban Ted’s latest political fraud is that Tory insiders explain that the herbal parliamentarian not only doesn’t drink alcohol at all but is one of those hippy wankers who declines coffee, tea and any other stimulant in a style originally made famous by Adolf Hitler and Bob Carr. We emphasise that is the only point of comparison with the dictator except perhaps a lack of testicular fortitude. And certainly Ted’s not even running to the level of pale imitation of the former NSW Premier, one of the most formidable political leaders of his generation despite hair transplant and a fondness for the herbal life.
We were once tipped off that Ted had got a bit woozy at a Chinese consultant function. Turned out he was drugged up on something to cure what ailed him. We can reasonably expect that a dose of Terry Mulder will probably ail Baillieu throughout this year ahead of a leadership challenge in January next year. Bring it on.