TRIPPING: The Faines return from a world tour of drug dens, brothels and bribing border guards

jonfainejackfaine ABC broadcaster Jon Faine’s long roadtrip has concluded but not before shameful admissions of illegal dealings and immoral conduct have been made by the leftista and his son Jack.

Jack opens the batting with recent admissions of “spliff” chasing:

In Ashgabat, a city of hollow decadence built in the last 15 years, dad got quite ill and tired. So I left him in the homestay moaning and groaning and burping and slurping in his bed and walked out the door. I met a kid, Rex, who adopted me and promised to show me the Turkmen life. I shadowed him on a wild night that took us from cigarettes on street corners past KGB officers snooping about to roaming the empty streets then chasing down a spliff on the other side of town and skulling vodka and rapping in russian before the 11pm curfew and then heading home. But I spose the real details of the night will have to wait for the book…

A spliff is understood to refer to a well-rolled marijuana joint, usually of impressive size, according to

Marijuana is one of many narcotics notionally banned in Turkmenistan but believed to be peddled by very senior figures in its tyrannical government.

Earlier Faine reports showed the two Faine gents saying in a Mongolian brothel for an entire weekend:

Not by choice, we spent last weekend in a brothel. A real one, no half measures…The novelty of the locale soon wore off, although the girls were very friendly…. well, not too friendly.

Indeed, it seems lazy UN personnel in Dili had prompted this strong interest in brothels in the developing world:

Dili is awash with UN personnel. No one we spoke to knows what they all do. The brothel owners would prefer we do not ask. Business is booming.

And drug-taking and brothel-frequenting was just the beginning of the Faines’ life of crime. They also confessed to bribing Indonesian border guards so they could smuggle their goods into the island nation:

The border cossing (sic) into Indonesia was uneventful, and showed no trace of recent conflict. Bored soldiers are the same all over the world. Offer a cigarette [neither of us smoke] and artfully leave the full  packet on the counter and walk away.

The scandal has previously attracted interest in the blogosphere.

The crime spree didn’t end there. When Jon met up with some fellow restless and neurotic baby boomers from Australia in Turkey, he even embarked on some massive music piracy to keep Jack in tunes:

We gave them Vegemite, they gave Jack 800 new songs for his ipod [but he still plays the same stufff anyway]. The barter economy.

The pirated music clearly wasn’t to Jack’s taste. It’s the thought that counts though. The House of VEXNEWS currently recommends White Lies, and we note if you don’t pay for it they’ll probably stop singing it.

The drugs and the whoring and wanton risk-taking seem to have taken their toll on the older Jon, with him suffering from multiple digestive system and anal ailments from Greece to Paris.

Meanwhile, the feisty young Faine is doing extremely well indeed, having escaped all the possible ailments one could catch in Dili and Mongolian cathouses and even having the strength – according to Papa Jon – to admit to “having a ball” in Paris and “polishing his francais”.

Not sure what polishing his francais means but certainly sounds like good clean fun. Good for him.



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19 responses to “TRIPPING: The Faines return from a world tour of drug dens, brothels and bribing border guards

  1. Mactini Nano

    U’re just jealous yr dad never took U overland to the UK on holidays.

  2. Anonymous

    Let’s hope Jon Faine doesn’t catch AIDS.

  3. Anonymous

    I love it when the kids get named and shamed. Flame them, FLAME THEM!

  4. Ollie

    City Link is a homophobic tollway.

    Don’t the operators of City Link know who I am?

    I am Ollie! I don’t have to pay fines. I don’t have to live in the house that I have declared in a statutory declaration to be my residence! I don’t have to care a stuff what idiotic pre-selectors (let alone constituents) think!

    I am Ollie!

  5. Railyard Worker

    Dont worry about the Faines. The real news is happening as we speak out on the railyards. Choo choo.

  6. McPerton

    San Francisco has no tollways. You should visit there Ollie.

  7. Queen Mary of Aldred

    I’d like to work for a US Senator, McPerton, can you help me out?

  8. anon

    EastLink Rule 1: No “POOFTAS” allowed on the tollway!
    EastLink Rule 2: No “FAGGOTS” allowed on the tollway!
    EastLink Rule 3: No “BUTT PIRATES” allowed on the tollway!

  9. Anonymous

    Guess Craig Langdon aint allowed on Eastlink.

  10. RDR

    I love driving Young Liberal Ladies home late at night along EastLink and I am more than happy to pay the tolls especially if it leads to Pussy Town.

  11. C.Langdon

    I like driving teen males along EastLink

  12. Timmy Wilson

    I have never charged Peter McMullin a toll for access to my tunnel.

  13. Honeypot

    Sewiously McPerton, you have had so many free trips along my tunnel, you should immediately pay the tolls – before you travel along any similar tunnels in San Fran.

  14. Advernturist

    I think you have taken extreme license in your review. What was it that the Attorney General said. I smoked but I did not in hail.

    Look at the other Palin’s travel experience. I would love to be on that adventure (Although I do not smoke or toke) Faine’s problem is he was just a fly by the night tourist and he has missed much in between.

    He did not even visit the country of his Parents birth place. Opportunity lost there I think.

    He will be welcomed back as the ABC day time morning talk show host.

  15. Anonymous

    Faine will be welcomed back to the ABC where joint in one hand and a bong in the other is not only acceptable but encouraged.

  16. Fatty Doyle

    I have to pay an entrance toll at Westminster’s Secrets when I pop in there.

  17. Mc Perton

    My Dearest Fattie. I see that Ollie has got into trouble with the police for unauthorised access to the tunnel. It seems that he and Theo have something in common apart from the love of the “Greek style” thing.

  18. Chook Chook

    Railyard Worker, the Libs privatised the railyards, and Labor has mismanaged them ever since. Shadow Minister Ted Mulder is a useless old chook and time server who has done nothing to stop the disastrous asphyxiation of the system, nor has the government of Victoria collectively done anything to stop to new and unwanted masses arriving here to further clog the system that doesn’t work!

  19. Railyard Worker

    Chook chook, with all due respect, you are not present here on the ground at the Railyard where we have been working so hard over the new year period. The greatest fast train ever assembled will soon be causing the ordinary commuter much awe and wonder, almost in a trance-like state, as he witnesses a mode of transport like none other. That transport will be the subject of many great books and films in the years to come. That transport is the GTM Express. Choo choo my chook chook friend!

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