Talk of a early new year Victorian ministerial reshuffle is just the kind of mind-game so enthusiastically enjoyed by the well-tailored volk of 1 Treasury Place and some MsP in Spring Street. The Herald Sun has been reporting the yarn, The Age has missed it mostly so we thought it timely to give our own view.
We don’t expect a reshuffle any time soon, certainly not until Minister Theophanous’s situation is resolved. But it’s silly season so why not put a bit of stick about?
In our assessment, the highly regarded Minister Theophanous is highly unlikely to depart the ministry at all unless the Office of Public Prosecutions stuns the legal and political world by recommending proceeding with charges against him sustained by nothing other than an ancient allegation from an odd forty-something woman who lives with her brother in a village of four hundred half way across the world.
WE WIELD THE AXE OF FREEDOM (AND SPARE A FEW SHOWING CHRISTMAS KINDNESS)
That said there are a number of people we would axe or move if put in charge for a day (A horrifying thought for some). They being:
Gavin Jennings, who seems so distracted with factional and sub-factional matters that he might appreciate some time off on the backbench and time to attend Thursday night training for his beloved Essendon.
We’ll surprise a few no doubt by decreeing that we’d spare Lynne Kosky who was a bit silly early on by talking about people getting stressed about train timetables and has kicked on from that admittedly low point. The real culprit in Public Transport is the former minister Peter Batchelor. To him, we say, off with your head leftist.
Speaking of heads, James Merlino keeps his head down at all times. Perhaps too much. A young chap, was probably over-promoted by his SDA sub-faction of freedom and righteousness. Life’s cruel, so we’d want him to go too, to be replaced with a patriot from the SDA of the Lord’s choosing. A comeback would certainly not be ruled out in the future for James though. Now we come to think of it, we’d pre-empt a divine choice for a replacement and go with our own by installing the SDA aligned federal Senator Jacinta Collins who is among many ambitious ones in Canberra and would have made a brilliant minister.
In preparation for her forced retirement at the next state election (Labor can’t keep that Waverley seat forever) and for her services to abortion and the Thwaites Way of Life (Alpine), we propose also the forced resignation of Maxine Morand. Adios.
Bronwyn Pike isn’t our cup of tea but we’d probably err on the side of keeping her. Definitely not in Education which needs a patriot in charge to balance the leftist orientation of its vile bureaucracy.
Richard Wynne. Nice chap, they say. But due to his dogged determination to only ever do what his department tells him to, he is as useless as a chocolate teapot, in our humble submission. Like certain constituents of Port Phillip Councillor Gross, we are Sick of Dick. Goodbye.
Bob Cameron. Again a nice chap and a good country MP. Let’s keep him. Encourage him toughen up but strip him of Police which needs someone who’ll look enthusiastic about hunting down villains.
Most of the ones we’ve nominated for the axe are of course in the Left.
So after our Yuletide massacre, and the ALP loves those, there’d be many new names to consider.
Lily D’Ambrosio – Silly Lily is probably due for promotion and would be infinitely better than any of the above leftists we’d chopped, with the arguable exception of Batch, who was good/cunning in his day. Always nice to throw some meat to the Army Reservists of the Carr Left too, who have been so punishingly starved by their greedy cousins the Jennings/Giles/Griffin Axis.
Luke Donnellan – Luke is one of the Parl Secs most likely for promotion, with or without the VEXNEWS kiss of death. Considered to be bright, to have extensive contacts in and a good understanding of the business community, personable and capable. Nervous about his seat, as all MPs ought to be.
Danielle Green – A member of the LRA sub-group of the Right, could possibly benefit were misfortune to fall their chieftain, patriot Theo Theophanous. Danielle is an unusual combination of a happy person who is diligent, tenacious and tough. We’d be happy promoting her too.
Steve Herbert – A red menace from the north. Made famous by reason of once-secret loveshack. We don’t like Hawthorn supporters, so no cabinet soup for him. Should concentrate on holding Eltham from a big swing if tricky local independents run.
Rob Hudson – Another Socialist Leftist but not a stupid one. If forced to appoint leftists, one could live with him.
Marlene Kairouz – A worthy successor patriot from the SDA to replace James while we wait for Jacinta to descend from the Senate. Marlene enjoys a very high regard from the union and while a newbie MP – after her triumphant victory masterminded by State Secretary Steve Newnham – her long term experience in politics equips her well.
Telmo Languiller – Possibly the smoothest dude in the Free World. Patriot Telmo was born for politics and is without question most deserving of promotion among all these candidates. He’d make a brilliant minister, solving problems, sensing political opportunities, winning friends and influencing outcomes. The Age hates him, confirming his credentials.
Tony Lupton – Tony is the quiet achiever of the Labor caucus and has won over many a patriot in his Labor Right group. He’s sort of already in the Cabinet, he’d surely make a more sensible Attorney-General than the Lionel Murphy wannabe incumbent.
Jenny Mikakos – Those who make nice with Andrew Giles and sing kumbayah with Kosmos would do well to keep the surly visage of the Socialist Left’s Jenny Mikakos in mind. Far from being promoted, she should sent out to the mean streets of Northcote armed with a couple of kitchen knives and hope the local constabulary do the usual.
Wade Noonan – Wade is really one to watch. When soothsayers look into the future, long after Premier JB has retired to his ranch in Harcourt, in approximately 2030, some think is potential leadership material, alongside chaps like former Essendon player Justin Madden, Tim Holding and others who’d hurt me if I named them.
Fiona Richardson – Excelled as Labor Right faction secretary setting a very high standard for those following. A likely promotion candidate in the near future. We think would make a very good tough on crime Police Minister.
Robin Scott – Unusually for a highly effective numbers-man, Robin borders on being an intellectual, so deep is his thinking about politics and life. Would make a fiercely good Minister because he’d remember everything and would be extremely tough with clueless cardigans.
Martin Pakula – A tough and bright chap too. Hailing from the NUW camp, he works closely with their el supremo parliamentarian Tim Holding. Considered by some likely to make a move to the lower house at the next state election, making promotion easier.
Adem Somyurek – Again in the upper house, Adem is a very able patriot indeed. While he offends some of the Spring Street soft coqs with his intellect and frank speaking, we regard Adem’s promotion as an important test of whether the government can promote its best and brightest or just the people who are best at sucking up.
Brian Tee – Not bad for a CFMEU bovver boy with close ties with the Carr Left. If an upper house leftist had to be promoted, it’d be him.
Evan Thornley – Where do we start? Evan is supremely ambitious (ie he wants Rudd’s job) but many think his eyes are bigger than his belly. And the belly aint that small. Thornley is still searching for the “i” in “team” and is battling away to try to escape his marginal seat. Trouble is, his departure would be seen as a white flag to the Liberals for an upper house seat that is crucial to passing legislation in the chamber. Thornley is regarded as the only one capable of winning the seat because he can afford to drop half a million dollars on it with odd postcards about climate change and such. Most impressive recent effort was his joining of the Labor Unity faction and then trying to sell his single state conference vote like a strumpet on Grey Street StKilda. Classy.
Matt Viney – Very sound and experienced member, they all say. Much favoured offsider of upper house leader John Lenders.
Dan O’Brien – While not in Parliament yet, some see a bright political future ahead for the Premier’s Chief of Staff, following in the footsteps of Tim Pallas, the Minister for Roads and Ports (his staff allegedly refer to themselves as Team RoPo – scary, if true). Chiefs of Staff might have some feudal rights in this respect and might be able to appoint themselves to the new Ministry without our assistance.